Life is...to a lot of people, the best thing that ever happened to them. To some people, more than you might think, they believe it's a curse. A figurative spit in the face from some higher being.

 

A lot of people sulk. And they wallow in self-pity, and cry about how the world is just so unfair. I, myself, get upset. I cry, and at times, it's more like bawling like a baby. I wonder why good things never happen to me, or if they do, why they get taken away. I dwell on these things, and it hurts so bad inside, but I try my very best not to let that affect the others around me.

 

See, I know what it's like to hurt, because in life...I've been through a lot. I've spent more time with friends who live across town than parents who weren't really parents at all. Parents who did not live with me, parents who were substance abusers, and made it painfully obvious every time they were around because they were stoned, or drunk off their ass. Since then, they've gotten better. This past year, 2002, they've gotten off their various addictive components, and tried to get their lives together. But there's still thirteen, fourteen years that I have been lied to, manipulated, ridiculed, pushed aside, ignored, beaten up, laughed at, humiliated by my family and peers.

 

I know what it's like to hurt, and I can't forget it. So I try to help others not feel like I do. I try to make people feel better. I use my life to create jokes, make people laugh, smile, feel better. I laugh and smile myself to hide the inner turmoil that twists my stomach around and causes me to have chest pains because I'm so stressed out.

 

Life is a lot of choices. You choose everything involving you with your day. You choose who you want to be, and how you want to get there. You choose what to say to someone, what to do with something, how to react to a situation. There are times that you react with your heart, your feelings, instead of your head. When someone insults your mother, let's say, and you choose to fight about it because you're so angry...your emotions guide those actions. But they don't have to. The option of thinking things through is always there, and you can choose to take that option, if you choose to take the time to think.

 

Some people don't yet realize that their life is completely in their hands. However we came to be on this planet, we were made with free choice. We choose right or wrong. But some people don't yet realize. They either don't take any action, because they're scared, or they don't think they can do it correctly. I am one of these people. I get so damn nervous with simple things, that I choose not to take any action with my life, to possibly make things better. How many opportunities, how many people, things, have I lost, because I couldn't speak up? Because I couldn't take those steps?

 

Or they follow someone elses actions, do what they do, because they don't want to take responsibility for themselves. They need someone else to help them. When all is said and done, and they're no longer with anyone else, but out there, out on the streets...they're alone, and they have no idea what the hell to do, because they never took initiative for themselves.

 

I am a miserable person. I don't like to talk to people, except the few close friends I have. I don't like discussing my problems. Because I don't like pushing my problems onto someone elses' shoulders, and making them worry? That's what I thought at first. Now I think it may be just because I like feeling bad. I like...being alone. I sure as hell hope that's not the case, because I dream so often of having someone to talk to, to laugh with, to hold me. No time, barring the infant period of my life which was over at a year and half, two years, has anyone ever held me. Not when I was scared, or sad...no one ever held me close and told me it was going to be okay. I simply grew and learned that stuff was going to happen to me that would rip my heart apart, and I would have to deal, because no one would want to be with me, with my emotional instability.

 

I want to change my life, someday, so that I can take charge of my own issues, my own scenarios that pop up. So I won't be afraid to talk to that beautiful, charming girl, or jump at the chance to take that opportunity that will mark me as a legend. Until then, I laugh in hopes others will laugh with me. I try to raise spirits, regardless of whether or not it's appreciated, if only to help those that need it.

 

My philosophy for life is simply to live. Live it up for all that it gives you. Try, as hard as it may be, to look at the bright side of things, because that represents hope. Hope that there is a brighter side for you. Have fun, and do the things you dream of. This is your life...yours. Make the choices that make your life worth living.

 

I apologize for pushing a mild life story into this topic, but I felt you may need it to fully understand where I'm coming from with these ideas. And now that I'm done writing about life, I find it's much easier to distinguish from death after all.